Fishy Programming and Meatballs

Grandmothers know when something’s fishy and my television smells like something washed up at the Salton Sea. Whatever it is, don’t eat it, buy it or vote for it. Sounds cynical but there’s hope. After all, a kitchen offers comfort when our world, which consists of beloved television programs and news stories, jumps like Shamu the killer whale into the deep end. Don’t quote me, but ask your grandmother where she hung out during Watergate and she’ll probably say the kitchen. My grams made the best cookies back then. Last week, there were ten ingredients in front of me and I figured it’s time to make meatballs. I’m not talking about oregano, ground turkey, eggs, breadcrumbs, salt, pepper, onions, garlic powder, paprika and ketchup. Certain ingredients compliment each other as in—ten debatable politicians with various levels of spiciness, inspiring me to make meatballs. I mean those guys were hilarious. Whether baked, fried or covered with sauce, picking one for the white house would be like getting Jay Leno back again. Years and years of free entertainment and funny jokes making us laugh. Out loud even. Heaven forbid.

Google images:http://www.couponclippingcook.com

So I changed the station, but came across that show about the male Olympian who is now a glamorous model and his well-seated relatives. What can you say about that show without upsetting someone? How about, I loved her dress but thought she looked better in running shorts. Must be me but I think she’d make a pretty nice candidate. She could get the female voters AND the guys too. Okay, I’ll flip to another station.

 But, what’s with war? Cupcake wars, pawnshop wars, realty wars and cooking wars—just to name a few. Scanning the cable guide makes you want to duck for cover and check your ammo supply. Speaking of hunters, there are Alaskan hunters, storage hunters, house hunters and some clowns hunting Big Foot. In the middle of all this is a commercial of a waddling duck spewing stuff about insurance. You almost find yourself wondering if the little guy is safe. Cute little duck should watch out and get some of that insurance in case he comes across those dynasty guys. That quack makes me think he’s hungry and wants some fish. Insurance can be a fishy subject.  

 Television is already aggressive and the campaigns are still in their infantile mode. Slowly, they’ll crawl onto land telling us why they paid for certain messages. The station managers will repeat those messages over and over until you grab your remote, tossing it above your widescreen, or into it. The alternative is you are hypnotized into believing in fairy-tales and you click on the Cartoon Network or run blabbering for refuge and screaming for Grams. For her sake, I hope she’s in Florida shredding cookie recipes and going deep-sea fishing out of the Everglades. Meanwhile, the election coverage will be interspersed between combat reports about real wars. It will be time to hide in the kitchen and dig into a large bowl of spaghetti and meatballs. Bon Appetit!

Google images:http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/ultimate-spaghetti-meatballs

Exhaling the Past

Yesterday I blew up one of those giant pool toys. Lips, lungs and an hour or so of what felt like barrels of hot air, the toy didn’t quite inflate. Though the ball remained soft and saggy, I had become completely depleted and dizzy. The giant beach ball with stripes had wrestled, resisted, swooshed and pulled from within. There lolling around in the middle of our living room were minuscule pieces of my soul trapped for the time being, held captive and wanting to leak out. While whirling around and regaining my breath, a strange nostalgia engulfed me, making me reminisce, more importantly making me grateful.

There's an intangible me inside.

 Blowing up the ball reminded me of my dad who had blown up our play pool and many other toys when we were toddlers. Unless you’ve done this before you don’t appreciate the pain and agony that goes into blowing up one of these larger toys. Of course, they have pumps nowadays but there was this magic moment-- that spanned the years—evoking dad, making this experience worth the shortened breath and lightheaded daze. I remembered my father’s unconditional desire to see his kids play, laugh and enjoy summer. Something we as kids, took for granted. Nice and taut everything worked perfectly and if we made a hole, then he’d patch the toy or ball without complaining. This flashback reminded me of his heart and his soul, perhaps best described as an intangible moment, consisting of puffs of heavenly love. 

What about you?

Have any recent events jogged early childhood memories? 

Four Out of Five Doctors Recommend Slowing Down

I remember someone once telling me to slow down. Though I can’t remember much of the conversation and can wax poetic on almost any subject, it’s important to note this happened over thirty years ago. While you might just laugh me off as another pontificating Baby Boomer, I still hope you read the rest of my post. And while I can’t promise to save your life, maybe you’ll get something out of this that can help.  

Back when I was proud of doing more things before ten in the morning than most people did in a week. Back when I zoomed through yellow lights and drove hundreds of miles a day while beating back deadlines in pursuit of the dollar. Back when I had to look great, smell great and carry a briefcase to impress others who were probably not that impressed. Back when I attempted to build a career that came tumbling down when a family member got sick. Back when I tried patching the pain with dinner parties, shopping and travel. Back when funerals made me bury what was left of my heart, putting myself even deeper into work and raising my blood pressure to sky-high proportions. Back when the doctor said, stop immediately or die. (This actually happened twice, with two doctors first in 1996 and again in 2005. They both said the same thing, except one of them said it with an accent.)

Stop. Immediately? Were these doctors insane? I couldn’t just stop. Wouldn’t I naturally slow down from age anyway? But here’s the kicker: What’s old to you and your family is not always old to others and yes, some folks are working their awesome genes right into their nineties. Contributing to society sounds better than waiting for the next shuffleboard tournament and besides, I have definite objectives for my future too. These are adjusted goals with room to breathe and healthy doses of exercise and sun.

We all have bills and family obligations and trust me when I say I’ve spent years trying to slow down. This beautiful summer morning as the sun crept under the shades and the puppies whined about getting their kibble, I listened to the freeway noise and thought about everyone hurrying around like busy little ants. I thought about that horrid feeling when the weight of the world is on your shoulder and instead of stepping aside and letting someone else call a tow truck, you continue to plow along pushing yourself into exhaustion. Sometimes there is no truck; no pulleys, not even trap doors leading to an escape. Brave and daring you hurry along facing the future like a dynamo, a superhero, an iron-man or woman. But today, if you get a chance to smell those flowers or decide on eating something healthier than fast food, remember today won’t come back. Enjoy the day and try to slow down. How many doctors will have to tell you to stop?

The Supreme Web

Have you ever noticed those strange moments when you’re wondering about something and a very obvious but deconstructed answer is right in front of your face? Perhaps you’re wondering whether you should go to the party but exactly at that moment when you're thinking about what to wear or who to bring, you come to a STOP sign. Directly above the word STOP someone has carved the word NO into the sign. Would you take that as a ‘no’ don’t go to the party, or simply a coincidence?

I remember feeling anxious about a certain meeting at work and while driving my car the song ‘Take it Easy’ by the Eagles came on the radio. When I stepped into the lobby at work, the same song was playing on a completely different station. Do you think someone wanted me to take it easy? It’s kind of like a favorite cartoon where a guy is asking God for a sign and a giant neon sign falls from the sky landing in front of him. The sign says, ‘A sign”.

Then there’s the dessert menu. Try it sometime. Listen to the background music playing in the restaurant before you commit to another thousand calories. If they’re playing Queen’s, "Fat-Bottomed Girls" you might want to reconsider but if they’re playing Billy Joel’s, “Just the Way You Are,” you might as well go for it! The smart restaurateur where I ordered dessert last had ‘You Are So Beautiful" playing on the radio, so of course I indulged.

A few rows like this....

Right now, I’m wondering about a stranger’s crocheted sweater. I know how to crochet and have taken the time to learn many unusual crochet stitches but this sweater wasn’t a typical machine made crocheted sweater that you could buy and it also looked extremely difficult to make. The woman wearing the lacy cardigan could have made it or received it as a gift. This large woman, with row after row of complex stitches, sat in front of me last Sunday at church giving me an hour to ponder more than the sermon.(Which interestingly was about the multitudes sharing the five loaves and two fish.) 

The complicated stitch pattern repeated sometimes but only after approximately twenty unique rows. Her white sweater seemed to represent something to me, maybe because my insides have been feeling twisted into a tight crocheted pattern. Lately, there have been some unusual things happening in my life and if you know about my past, then you know I’m supposed to be the strong, cool-headed voice of reason. Giant knots are obstructing my goals and draining the oxygen from my heart. Give it to God everyone says. Will prayer help things unravel—in a good way? Will He help me get everything untangled and readjusted for some semblance of normalcy? I’m quite clear on the concept that the future looks difficult. It’s a rocky terrain and I’m heading uphill. Still wondering why I needed this reminder.

and some rows like this....

Am I one cloud formation away from the cuckoos’ nest 

or simply reading too much into things? Has this happened to you?

What do you think? Do you allow the universe to speak to you?

Gambling on The Odds and Challenging Myself

Different jokes for different folks. As you know, it takes a lot to make certain people smile. To be honest, some of these didn't test well with my beta audience. Hey, I am still working on my humor writing--but with so much going on in the world-- bottom line--it's been a tough year. If you grin, laugh or snort please let me know in the comments. Your gracious support and white lies are appreciated.

This first joke was tested on the audience at

 Humor Writer's of America and received two likes. Well at least one.

Two marshmallows walk into a bar.

The first one asks the bartender for chocolate.

The second one asks for graham crackers.

(Bartender keeps chocolate on hand for fancy cocktails and happens to have graham crackers hidden way in the back—but that’s another story. Right now, he’s pissed and wants to throw these two troublemakers out, but it’s a hot summer day and they already look a bit charred.

Anyway, when they’re finished eating they both say, “Give me somemore!” “Smore!!”

 ...badaboombadabing....

True story:

Divorce Attorney: When did you begin to feel resentment?”

Man: That horrible day we were married.

Divorce Attorney has a surprised look on his face. “Huh?”

Man: She made me wear a mint green tuxedo!”

...moving on.... 

True Story:

“Hey, I hear you got a divorce-- thought you liked being married to a magician.”

“Nah, his best trick was making me disappear.”

True Story:

My ankle biter is smarter than your chihuahua.

No, she’s not.

Yes, she is. She knows her ABCs.

A for Arf, arf, arf.

B for Bark, bark Bark

and C is for Chomp, chomp, chomp. Oops.Told ya!

...customer service....

True Story:

A man calls Victoria Secret to order his wife an anniversary gift.

“Excuse me but I’d like to order that negligee in your catalog.”

“Which page sir?”

“Page four--the one with the anorexic teenager.”

That’s a supermodel.

“Wonderful! My wife is also a super model.”

“Really?”

Well I work for Boeing Ma’am and I call her my Super, model C-17.

C-17? Isn’t that a giant cargo plane?

Yes Ma’am.

He can hear her type into the computer.

Here we are; that nightie comes in pink, blue or yellow.

I’ll take pink.

What size?

Do you have XXXXXXXXXXL?

No sir. Our XL fits up to a roomy size 8. If she’s larger than an 8, we can’t help you.

Figures. Thanks for nothin'.

Don't blame me. Sounds like she needs a hangar. 

Hanger?

No, a hangar. Call the airport.

    

Bad Puns:

Did you hear about the guy working at the textile mill?

No, what about him?

He dyed.

That’s like the guy at the paper bag factory.

Is he still around?

Nope, he got sacked.

Or the man at the soap factory--guy had an excuse for everything.

What about him?

They caught him in the lye.

Knock Knock Jokes

True Story-Abbott and Costello style.

Knock, knock

Who’s there?

Share

Share who?

Like the one who loved Sonny.

That was Cher.

That’s what I said.

No, you said Share.

So, why don’t you?

Why don’t I what?

Share some of your cake and let me in.

But I don’t know you. Who are you?

I said, my name is Cher.

How do you know I have cake?

Because the door said bakery.

Well we don’t have any.

Why not?

We bake them to order.

Well it’s an order. Bake.

Get lost!!!

One more:

I drew this for a children's story
 I've worked on for years.

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Owl?

Owl Who?

Owl bet you’re bored of my jokes.

Well, if you stayed awake and reached this point you're officially either a good, patient friend or a person who loves silly jokes. Perhaps you have nothing better to do today and you picked my humble little blog from among the competition. I feel very special. Whatever the reason, thanks for reading, enduring and commenting on my post and I hope something here made you laugh, at least making your lips turn upward a skoosh. Thanks for visiting!

Humor, Poetry, Sci-Fi and Mystery--Enjoyable Reading!

Looking for something interesting to read? Here's a few great books I recently finished reading and thought I'd share the best with you. 

Maybe It’s Just Me-by Barry Parham

Parham’s satirical and politically incorrect book is attempting to make sense of the media hoopla surrounding and influencing our daily lives. You’ll laugh aloud at his strange but funny analysis of our health care system, social media, black Friday and newly enacted laws. He touches on insanely important topics such as aging and air travel while wondering why a popular singer wearing a meat dress is considered cool but prayer in schools isn't. Touché, Barry! You’ll read about ‘whack biscuits’ or ‘schizo-burger side-orders’ and wonder whether you know someone who might fall into those categories as long as they’re not a ‘lobotomized cypress’ or a ‘Binkie’.  Don't ask. Then there are the lists of worst jobs, bad Christmas songs and top ten reasons to move to a different city. This book is worth the price simply to get his list of acronyms with a twist. Overall, it’s a riot. I learned that not everyone uses Crown Royal bags for Scrabble and he definitely doesn't want to play Candy Crush Saga. Dang.

Irrefutable Proof by Abby L. Vandiver

Justin is an archaeologist and she also writes fiction books. Someone didn't want her second book to hit the shelves and it seems there are people after her regarding some enlightening information in her novel. Fiction or not, her book has some unusual insight about the history of modern civilization and the fact that she’s working on deciphering a papyrus scroll and traveling to unusual libraries for research, has peaked the interest of government officials knowing the truth. Or do they? When a priest comes to pay a visit with a suggestion about focusing on the Voynich Manuscript rather than translating the scroll she’s been working on, things take a turn into the danger zone. Will Dr. Justin Dickerson find the irrefutable proof she’s looking for? Only one way to find out—buy this exciting book and read it today!

Kaleidescope Poetry by Carole Anne Carr

This anthology of tender, heartfelt poetry takes the reader from England to Africa with vivid descriptions, colors and sensitivity. Imagine a frosty weekend at a writer’s retreat or contemplate issues of the soul upon finding an old rosary and dig even deeper upon reflections of one child’s poverty, as he stares longingly into a shop full of fancy shoes. See the sparkle change from one poem to another in this lovely collection, this kaleidoscope by Carol Anne Carr.

Shadow Over Avalon by C.N. Lesley

This is a futuristic book with a warrior woman/cyborg facing many adventures under scrutiny--in Avalon, where thoughts and feelings are monitored and downloaded into a large computer database--plus everyone is pierced with a band of black or gold. It’s heart thumping action and a lot of plot twists that went straight over my head. A well-written book for any lover of sci-fi and fantasy.

Dry Bones by Carole Morden

Do you like cozy mystery novels that spin tight little webs that leave you breathless? This novel, Dry Bones wanted to take me for a ride to a high school reunion but too many things began happening along the way. Exciting things-- that needed figuring out and Jamie, the main character and also a Pastor’s wife is determined to find out what happens even if she almost jeopardizes her life. After all, a murdered friend just left her millions, her husband the Pastor, is out of town and her mystery club from high school doesn’t have the deeply rooted, ambitious desire to solve the case now that they are all grown up and only Jamie is the suspect. With help from her alcoholic friend Rachel who seems to know a few things about computers and detective Scott, they try to look for clues that might help clear Jamie’s name. Everything points to another friend who is losing friends and relatives faster than a blind man losing money at a roulette table. Jamie just wants to go back to making pies for the congregation but first she’s chased around town by Volvo lady and kidnapped by her high school principal. This fast-paced story builds up to a clever climax that will surprise even those who are champions at Clue with unanticipated twists and turns that will make you a lifelong fan of Carole Morden.

Mexican Humor 201 by Linton Robinson

This is extremely politically incorrect Mexican humor but I found it fascinating. There’s a common theme mainly portraying the macho man and the curvaceous woman, in short vignettes and slapstick style wordplay.(Excuse the pun.) My favorite joke is called The Bicycle (a relatively clean joke) and the cool thing is everything appears in two languages! It’s like getting two jokes for the price of one! Anyway, there’s a lot I don't “get” but maybe that’s okay. I recommend this book to anyone working near San Diego or El Paso who wants to make people smile!

What have you been reading?

 Any of these sound interesting to you?

Afternoon Shadows-A Writing Prompt

Here's a picture prompt--a shadow of my head and Pinky--my chihuahuador(chihuahua and labrador mix-don't ask because I won't know and I'm not sure how that's even possible). 

Pinky's sitting on the back of the couch, looking out the window and I'm 

watching television. I thought this photo portrays the intangible love between us.

What do you think? 

Please write a 100 words or a paragraph about this photo in the comments.

 It doesn't have to be about Pinky or anything I mentioned above.